One day long ago, my mom, my dad and I were walking a long way to the beach through the huge, dusty, sandy and dry desert. Life in Qatar was hard. After a long walk in the desert, we finally got to the beach. There was pearl divers everywhere. All of them were holding rocks to help them get to the bottom of the ocean. I saw a part of the ocean that there was no pearl divers. It was shining really bright.
I asked my mom if I could go in and see what it was. She said I could go. I ran all the way to the ocean as fast as I could. I jumped in the water and swam all the way to the area that it was shining. I couldn´t get to the bottom so I asked one of the pearl divers for their rock. The pearl diver gave me his rock. I swam back and went down. When my feet touched the floor, I could feel something cold and smooth under them. I felt really scared but when I opened my eyed I could see it. It wasn´t a shark or anything like that. It was gold! I tried to pick as much up as possible. I got how much I wanted and lift my head up to swim to the shore but when I lift it up, my head banged against a rock.
I asked my mom if I could go in and see what it was. She said I could go. I ran all the way to the ocean as fast as I could. I jumped in the water and swam all the way to the area that it was shining. I couldn´t get to the bottom so I asked one of the pearl divers for their rock. The pearl diver gave me his rock. I swam back and went down. When my feet touched the floor, I could feel something cold and smooth under them. I felt really scared but when I opened my eyed I could see it. It wasn´t a shark or anything like that. It was gold! I tried to pick as much up as possible. I got how much I wanted and lift my head up to swim to the shore but when I lift it up, my head banged against a rock.
All of a sudden, I was in a dirty and dark room. I felt trapped and lonely until I found a small window. I opened the tiny window slowly and gently. A light lit up the whole room when I opened the window. I looked and all around me there was big shiny towers and people wearing these weird blue pants. I had no idea where I was.
I really liked the description about the desert in the first sentence. Also I enjoyed your information about the pearl divers. I would have liked to know how you felt after this walk in the desert. Can you describe how heavy the stone was. Do not forget to describe your character for example the pearl diver. Please explain how you could see in the salty water? I can not wait to see you third paragraph.
ReplyDeleteWell done
Pilar - The information about receiving the diving rock and getting to the bottom is not as clear as it can be. Also, how did you swim to the bottom and then hit your head on a rock when you were coming back up? A few more details would help me out. Your amigo, Senor Maxson
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